Once a week, every week, I come home and there is a pleasant surprise waiting for me on the porch. Every Thursday, among the stacks of credit card offers I don’t read, coupons I don’t use and bills I don’t want to pay, sits 96 pages of bliss that make all my worldly troubles fade away. Nothing short of a kick to the face upon opening the front door could ruin a day that involves me coming home to a freshly printed Sports Illustrated.

Some people like to see their dog’s tail wagging when they pull in the driveway, others enjoy a hot meal on the stove. Save Fido’s love and the pot roast for John Q house dad. Give me my Sports Illustrated or give me death.

This week not one, but two SIs greeted me at the doorstep. On Wednesday, it was Dale Earnhardt Jr. who adorned the cover, while on Thursday it was the beauties of the swimsuit edition. My polar opposite reactions to the two issues offers further proof that I will never evolve beyond the plight of the common Neanderthal, drooling over gorgeous women and rejecting the acceptance of the wheel. See for yourself:

Wednesday: Oh my God, no. NASCAR on the cover. Does anyone but me think getting in a car and turning left has nothing to do with sports? It’s bad enough I have to skip the entire section they dedicate to racing week in and week out. Now I have to burn the cover as well. A letter to the editor is in order. I demand to know what idiot put this on the front.

Thursday: Oh my God, yes. The swimsuit edition. Who cares that this has nothing to do with sports? A letter to the editor is in order. He should be commended for the genius of putting Marissa Miller on the cover. On second thought, maybe a letter of thanks to God for putting her on Earth would be more appropriate.

Wednesday: Dale Jr. used to wear a red uniform, now he wears a green uniform. Why again should sports fans care about his color coordination?

Thursday: Daniella Sarahyba’s black bikini coupled with the sunset backdrop on page 188 really works with her skin tone; whereas, her red number in the daylight on 191 accentuates her eyes. Every human being should be attuned to such intricate color schemes.

Wednesday: The feature article chronicled former Redskins coach Joe Gibbs’ involvement in racing, as if to say somehow relating NASCAR to actual athletics excuses including it in my beloved sports magazines. How stupid do they think I am?

Thursday: I love how they included shots of players’ wives, and asked the models questions about their favorite athletes in the interviews. What a creative way to relate the issue to sports. Every sports magazine should be this smart.

Wednesday: Page 72 has pictures of racecar drivers. Note to self: skip page 72.

Thursday: Page 172 has pictures of racecar driver Danica Patrick. Note to self: skip to page 172.

Wednesday: NASCAR on the front … NASCAR in the middle…NASCAR all over! This is the final straw. I’m canceling my subscription.

Thursday: Hotties on the front ... hotties in the middle ... hotties all over! Is there a way to purchase a lifetime subscription?