Don’t count on McCallum apologizing

by Pete Cunningham

*As printed May 7, 2008 in The Homer Index 

This week’s edition of The Index features a letter to the editor (see left side of page), but the editor wasn’t the only intended recipient. Steve Marson rightfully accosts Albert McCallum (see columnist with outlandish ideas about robots and government taking over the world below) for his defamation of the British people in last week’s paper. The letter requests that McCallum issue an apology for his ignorance-laced column last week in which he ignorantly labeled the entire British people as “twits.”

While I whole heartedly agree with Marson’s criticism, I wouldn’t count on reading that apology letter anytime soon. There are certain things I’ve begun to grasp since coming here, and one of them is who does and doesn’t read the paper. I’m 99 percent sure that Albert is part of the latter demographic.

If he does, then he has managed to ignore more than a dozen years worth of similar letters, which have called for an apology or his head on an average of about five times per year. He’s also avoided buying a subscription, which leads me to believe he’s part of the “probably doesn’t read The Index” group.

In my fantasy world everybody reads The Index, but in the reality I’m stuck in, there are others who, for better of worse, are almost guaranteed to not have the slightest idea of the paper’s contents. There are also a few that I can’t quite put my finger on.

About 90 percent of the time my dad is one the loyal non-readers. Every now and then I’ll throw in a direct reference to his golf game to catch his attention, like telling everyone about how I made up two strokes on the last hole to beat him in our match two weeks ago. Otherwise, I can pretty much count on a blank stare if our discussion involves anything beyond the third sentence of my column. It’s not that he doesn’t want to read my work, but 23 years of sarcastic remarks and ridiculous theories have desensitized him.

Senator Tim Walberg is a weekly contributor to the paper, and his multiple offices have subscriptions. Whether he himself is a regular reader, however, is a mystery. Just incase, I’d like to issue a wager. Mr. Walberg (or whichever aid is in charge of keeping track of Homer), if the “Weekly Wrap Up” goes an entire month without the word “bipartisan” in it, you can count on one more vote come election time. I triple-dog dare you.

McCallum may not be an avid reader of the paper, which cannot be said of his fellow Ron Paul supporters. At least that’s what I’ve gathered from the boos and hisses I’ve received since criticizing Paul’s radical viewpoints in a couple of my columns. The most recent testament of his following was a “Ron Paul for President” bumper sticker plastered on the office window last week. Better than a brick being thrown through it I suppose.

How’s his campaign doing these days anyway? That $34 million he raised is still making a huge difference, right?

I’m not sure if my buddy Don Toffolo down at Edward Jones reads the paper, but I sure hope he doesn’t support some of the investment strategies his company has suggested in their column. I’m not sure how comfortable I’d be if I knew the man I’m investing with supported Edward Jones’ advice of shelling out a Valentine’s Day IRA contribution. Sound advice for men who have already invested in fold-out couches to sleep on for the rest of their lives, but for the rest of us, flowers and chocolate might be a wiser choice.

Edward Jones provided a sequel this week in which they suggest the same gift for Mother’s Day, which would be a good way to get out of being invited to family Christmas ever again.

The letter to the editor got a good point across, and it almost certainly will be read and agreed with by many. Just don’t take it personally if not everyone you wanted to read it does so. It comes with the territory.