Take my advice: Don't take our advice
by Pete Cunningham
*As printed October 31, 2007 in The Homer Index  

As you all should have gathered by now, I work for the Index. A common misconception held about me is that, because this fine establishment puts food on my table, I agree with everything printed on its pages. Nothing could actually be further from the truth.

Is it McCallum’s columns about robots and the tax devil that get to me? Nope. Is it Mike’s not-so subtle jabs at my intellect? Hardly. The issue I have with this paper was our blatant and unwarranted attack on Halloween last week. 

In what were disguised as “helpful hints for trick or treaters” we irresponsibly allowed the printing of what can accurately be described as paranoid party-pooper propaganda. I am as much to blame as anyone, I wrote the headline; proofed the article even.

In the hopes of saving the souls of trick or treaters and the parents who may have taken this article to heart, I am printing a disclaimer and my own little bit of Halloween advice.

The aforementioned article advised trick or treaters to limit themselves to events “run by police stations, firehouses and senior centers.” Really? Senior centers? This is the one day of the year where everybody - not just grandparents - gives kids candy for simply showing up at their doorstep. The bonus is that on Halloween, instead of wearing the hand-knit pink sweater grandma made them for Christmas, children get to dress like Superman or Hulk Hogan. If, as a parent, you decide that on this most holy of kid holidays your child should be inhaling Old Spice and moth balls instead of fresh October air, you seriously need to check yourself.

As for the police stations and firehouses, I think as long as you don’t get a phone call from either of these places throughout the night, you’ve done a fine job.

My opinion on bag checks and candy x-rays? Call me crazy, but won’t the truly despicable people who hate children and Halloween probably just turn off their front porch lights in lieu of sticking a razor blade in a Butterfinger? Scanning candy is a complete waste of time and aluminum wrapped kisses. People who would sabotage candy stashes are too busy conjuring up computer viruses and selling insurance to be bothered with other such acts of unnecessary and unprovoked evil. That is unless you live next to Gargamel from the Smurfs. Does anyone know why he wanted to eat the Smurfs? Man, that guy was evil.

One piece of advice the article was spot-on about was in regard to not wearing a mask on Halloween. I couldn’t agree more. All trick or treaters should have a minimum two masks at their disposal. This way when encountering a house with king-sized candy bars they can go for round two on the loop around the block. Not equipping a child with a second costume option - to be stored at the bottom of the bag in case of said jackpot houses - is simply neglectful.

If you really want to be a good parent this Halloween night, don’t look at the advice column from last week, look to the front page where trick or treating hours were printed. Litchfield passes out candy from 5-7; Homer, from 6-8. So take your kids to Litchfield first, then hop on M-99 for 15 minutes and let the kids enjoy an extra 45 minutes of free candy. And for the love of God, whatever you do, don’t stop at any senior centers along the way.