The presidential primaries are fast approaching and the tensions on the political front are at a fever pitch. With no incumbent in the 2008 election, we are blessed with twice the mud slinging, twice the attack ads and - my favorite - twice the debates.

With both parties’ respective candidates squaring off over the past two weeks, I’ve realized much about the race, the candidates, and myself that hadn’t registered to this point. Warning: none of the following has any place in an intelligent discussion of politics.

If the women’s lib movement had detailed exactly what the female equivalent to a suit and tie was, I could easily see myself voting for Hillary Clinton. But, because of the ambiguous nature of female formalwear I don’t think I can do it.

At the Democratic debate, she wore a checkered coat and black shirt, while the male participants wore standard issue black suits and power ties. With a female president, it’s unclear what the executive wardrobe would be on any given day. Does she even have to tuck in her shirt? Heels, dresses, and jewelry only further complicate the issue, not to mention the international ramifications of showing too much leg or cleavage. I know; I’m a sexist pig, but I blame society for my shortcomings.

I refuse to vote for Rudy Giuliani because he was in charge during the greatest American tragedy to ever take place in our nation’s proud history. He stood idly by as our traditions and values were violated by hostiles. I of course speak of the singing of “God Bless America” at the beginning of baseball games by the hostiles that don pinstripes in the summertime.

The last time I checked, the “Star Spangled Banner” was our national anthem, and it belongs at the beginning of baseball games. “God Bless America” can share the seventh inning stretch with - but not at the expense of - “Take Me Out To The Ball Game”, but the beginning of the game belongs to rockets and ramparts, not oceans and valleys.

Plus, Giuliani is on his third marriage. Can the nation really afford to add two alimony payments to the budget while trying to deal with a $9 trillion deficit?

At the GOP debate, Ron Paul preached about reducing executive power, taking power away from the federal government to give back to the states, and scaling back on U.S. international relations. He’s basically concocted an ingenious plan in which he will hold the most prestigious title in the world while significantly reducing the responsibilities that go along with it. Nice try, Ronny, but you’re further proof why no one with two first names can be trusted.

I’ve realized that Mitt Romney, Bill Richardson and Barack Obama collectively represent the only shot we have of being able to enjoy the comedy of Dave Chappelle ever again. If a Mormon, Latino and black man sharing a political stage can’t motivate Chappelle to get over his nervous breakdown and start rattling off racist jokes no one else can get away with, nothing ever will.

It’s not too outlandish to think that this may actually happen. Hillary is the only one ahead of Obama in the polls, while Giuliani and Romney trade top spots with every passing scandal. If Richardson gives up on the Democrats and gains steam as an Independent, we may be looking at the most parodied presidential race of all time. Let’s just hope that the Writers Guild of America ends their strike in time to make this dream a reality.